"We've had a great year in country music. Lots of songs about 'Cowboy Casanovas,' 'White Liars' and two-timing men ... And I'd like to thank Tiger Woods and Jesse James for inspiring us all."
"I hope you like my dress. With boning, Spanx and a pushup bra, there's more special effects going on here than in 'Avatar.'"
"We have something different for you this year. We have eight Entertainer of the Year nominees ... so instead of four people, seven people are gonna be bummed out."
"Let's meet our [Entertainer] nominees, starting with Kenny Chesney. Kenny's about to debut his concert film in 3-D ... But you what? You boys are always playing catch up. Dolly Parton has been giving y'all 40-D shows for years."
"Next is Toby Keith. Toby has a chain of restaurants called I Love This Bar and Grill. And it specializes in fried onion rings, fried mozzarella sticks and southern fried Twinkies. Yeah, that sounds like Thanksgiving at Kirstie Alley's house to me."
"Brad [Paisley] has a brand-new H2O tour, which is promoting clean and safe water. Brad, you'll be very happy to know that they're conserving water right here in Vegas. At the pool last night, they had a dry T-shirt contest. I won third."
"And that brings us up to the overachiever herself, Taylor Swift. Backstage, I pointed out to her that they just announced that I had 34 No. 1 records and sold 55-million albums. And she said, 'Aw, everyone can have a bad year.'"
"Next up is last year's Entertainer of the Year and up for six awards tonight -- Carrie Underwood! Now they said hockey star Mike Fisher gave her a million dollar engagement ring. Talk about coincidence, when I got engaged, my husband took me to a hockey game."
"How about our own urban cowboy from Australia, Keith Urban? Keith has everything you'd want in a man. Great voice, killer style and a weakness for redheads."
"Just a quick note: our show is going green this year. All of our paper materials and scripts are made from recycled Larry King divorce papers."
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